dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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