dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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