we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
