I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
