You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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