my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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