When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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