I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
