my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
where does the pee come out of this thing
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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