Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize