dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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