I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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