I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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