burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
