Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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