Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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