White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
