i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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