i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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