I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
