I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
