Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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