well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
