it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
