:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
