9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
