I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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