i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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