put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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