I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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