I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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