When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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