dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
