I like to think it a success when the cops are called
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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