please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
