Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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