She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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