I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize