I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
