i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize