Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
