I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
