Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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