I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
