definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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