You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
