haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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