Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
