ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
