I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
