my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
