You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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