you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
