I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
