Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
