I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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