I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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