just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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