Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize